hello, colours

welcome

I must learn to love the fool in me
the one who feels too much
talks too much
takes too many chances
wins sometimes and loses often
lacks self-control
loves and hates
hurts and gets hurt
promises and breaks promises
laughs and cries.

dailies

Kickette
ESPNstar
Duchess Lane

is the preoccupation of the past an escape from the present?

can't believe this is actually an A level GP essay question.. it's more like something that will appear in someone's diary somewhere sometime.. but i will applaude whoever that's able to write this essay well balanced and argued and make full sense *applause*

but well... that's me.. for many yrs. living in the world of my own. no guarnatee if i'm still.. i tot i came out of it.. now i kinda doubt it..

i dun understand why would someone hving depression tell everyone abt it. it's not sth to be proud of. even if u tell anyone i dun think u wud go into the details right?? ok at least that's me.. jus some question i wanna post to U.. i hv my doubts abt whether u wud even read this since this is such a neglected place. maybe i shud say that's even better. it's as if i enjoy some sorta of "privacy" in this cyber world where privacy doesn't exist.
are u sure a counsellor wud turn down anyone jus cos of age??
why are u able to talk abt ur depression experience as if it's sth u r so proud of? when a frend ask me abt it, even if it's a closest frend, during my low days.. "u seeing counsellor ah?" my ans wud b -silence- i wun talk to a counsellor happily. even if i smile it wuf all hv been faked

well since u lyk to share so much abt ur part.. lemme tell u.. this is how i felt.
imagine the pain when u hv to devote almost every hour of ur time on ur cca, knowing that both ur academics and cca is impt.
Imagine how wud u feel if u didn't noe anything was wrong wif u, u tot it was oni stress
imagine the pain+relieve when someone finally realise that sth might b wrong wif u & that person is actually ur form teacher. the way she found out was totally in an unbelievable manner. not even ur frend realised sth cud b wrong wif u.
Imagine crying in front of ur whole class.
imagine sitting next to someone u dun realli lyk and crying
imagine being asked to go see the counsellor during lesson making so bloody obvious that sth is wrong wif u
imagine the sourness when u jus can't help but break down and cry non stop in front of some person and u noe u hv to ans some shitty Q at the same time. after that u hv to swallow all ur tears and clean up and look absolutely fine when u go back to class.

i dun tink depression is sth that will come jus so suddenly. i suppose it's sth tat is accumulated. if anyone still rmb.. me scratching my arms wif all the funny funny obj. rmb me telling u that my mum threw away all the penknives at hm. all that time. i suppose i NV NV NV forgot the pain i hv endured because of MY despite all the smiles. sry for lying or at least trying to lie. but believe me i'm over it already. maybe everyone's experience of depression is diff. maybe i shud not comment anymore.

sometimes i feel like crying cos i feel all dumb and wadever but the tears jus dun flow. i may seem like those who can cry easily but sometimes i myself dun understand why can't i cry when i WANT to and cry when i dun wan to. there's a reason for the web for being called bleakish. my life is bleak. no 1 realli seems to care. where hv my friends gone? i dunno i seem to hv lost touch.. dun talk me into believing wadever faith u believe. it makes me VR uncomfortable. if anyone from 33 can rmb i rushed out of chi class once after teacher commented on my compo. it's not cos i'm sad that i wrote badly. who can write a compo properly when thru-out u're crying and u see the tears flowing as if it doesn't end. when every word u write is ur true feelings???

i dun expect any pity. i jus wan everyone to acknowledge my presence. pls choose not to reply my msg jus cos u dunno howda to reply.